Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
