hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
