Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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