I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
