I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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