I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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