my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
