I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
