I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize