somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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