When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
