i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
