I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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