oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
