i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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