awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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