Your dad touched me again.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
