I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize