I wish my penis had an off switch
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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