Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
