I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
