from now on my penis is your penis
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you win again, gameday.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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