Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i've created a new STD.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
