i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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