How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I didn't shave. On purpose
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
