I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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