ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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