I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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