I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
