i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
smell my finger.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
