listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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