3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
