I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
