all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
