I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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