i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
