Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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