you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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