At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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