Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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