My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize