I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
