So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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