Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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