Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
