you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
