Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
