So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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