I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
