Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
