cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
