I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
