The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
