1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
