she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
