You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
