I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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