So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
