If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
