You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
