She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
