Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
