threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
