I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
