i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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