I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
