My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
