she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
